This December 30th, 2011 will mark 10 years that I have been married to my husband, Chris, and I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier at any point in my life. In this decade, we’ve certainly had our ups and downs, however, and I think the milestone at least somewhat qualifies me to be an authority figure on what makes for a happy marriage. (I also know what makes for an unhappy marriage, seeing as how this is my third one, but we’ll talk about that in another post.)
Here are the 5 things I believe are necessary to attain and maintain happiness in any marriage, no matter how long you’ve been together:
- Communication – Is there an elephant in the room? Don’t let there be if you want to stay satisfied with your mate. Talk about everything from work to sex to whatever you saw in the daily news. Tell each other about your friends. Listen when your spouse is talking to you. If you cannot effectively communicate with one another you union will likely not last.
- Intimacy - Do it! Yes, that. Have sex on a regular basis (whatever “regular” is to you and your spouse. Communicate to find out!). Role play. Talk about your fantasies. Get funky, go forth, and fornicate. It brings you closer, boosts confidence, and sends all kinds of good hormones flowing through your bodies.
- Trust – Do you worry about whether or not your spouse might be cheating? That worry alone is stress on your relationship. Trust lifts the weight of that stress. Let go of unnecessary jealousy and let each other flirt knowing that you’re going home to each other. Communicate and define your boundaries as a couple and you’ll be just fine.
- Compliments - Tell your partner on a daily basis that you think he or she is sexy, beautiful, smart, etc. Notes are nice if you can’t be there in person for some reason, but they work best coming straight from your lips to your spouses ear. (I have a card on my dresser’s mirror from Chris telling me how sexy I am in beautiful script. It’s a fantastic daily reminder!) Make sure the nice words are genuine, and don’t allow the relationship to become one-sided in this respect.
- Spontaneous Kindness – Surprise your spouse by picking up a chore that you don’t usually do, bringing home a present or carry-out dinner out of the blue, or taking them out on a spontaneous date that you think he or she might like. Don’t get caught in a rut of day-in-day-out chores and work. Keep some spontaneity alive to stoke the happiness factor.
So there you have it. Try your best to adhere to these 5 things, but know that no marriage is perfect. When you have a problem, communicate about it. If either of you screws up (and you will, periodically, still take each other for granted and not be the greatest partners in the world), forgive. And, remember, nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect either.
Do you have any special secrets to keep your marriage alive for years to come? Feel free to share them in the comments.
you got married 6 days before us! weird. And I agree with all of that. Although I like a teeny bit of jealousy on both sides. My husband is almost never jealous, but when he occasionally shows a tiny bit it makes me feel more important to him. so I make sure to show a tiny bit over the the girls he works with every once in awhile.
HAHA… I guess a teeny bit of jealousy could spice things up. Just don’t let it get out of hand
And CONGRATULATIONS to you and your hubby too, Elizabeth!
Great advice Wendy! Speaking from the POV of someone about to embark on the marriage journey, Tyler and I really look to our friends in healthy marriages to learn lessons. I think being willing to learn and take advice from those that have been there is important too. We’re fortunate to both have parents married for 30+ years and while sometimes hearing what don’t want to hear can be hard, ultimately we’re a better couple for it. Also, taking pre-emptive measures instead of waiting for the bad has been helpful. Like you said, talking about something before it becomes an issue makes the communication easier, instead of waiting until you have to fight about it.
Wendy,
Great advice! As someone who has been married 22 years, the only thing I would add is for new couples regarding children. Wait to have children as you need to figure out who you are as a couple (and that tends to change with that piece of paper and set of rings). I recommend 2-4 years. Once you do have children, I say send them away! I know it sounds harsh but it is good for you, your spouse, and the kids. We started sending our son away at age 4 to his gradparents. This allowed him to have strong relationships with each of them and allowed us couple time. It is amazing how much you get wrapped up (this is a good thing) in your kid’s lives. But as a couple you need to know how to communicate about other things than when the next ice hockey practice is and how your child is going to have time to do their homework.
Marriage is all what you make it.
She
Thanks, Katie! You and Tyler are going to do just fine, I know it =)
Thanks for the comment, She! I agree that it’s very important for couples to have a bond outside of their children. You were fortunate to have grandparents to which to send yours.
Gary and I got married December 22 2007:) December must be the month to have weddings! Good advice Wendy<3
Awesome post, Wendy! I completely agree with you on all 5 points, especially regarding communication! We are very fortunate to have relationships where we love to gab at our hubby’s and our hubby’s love to gab back. I am seriously more in love with Chris today than I was the day we got married, and that was 8 years ago!
I also think that understanding that your relationship is a journey that will change and evolve as you go is important as well. Nothing, absolutely nothing, stays exactly the same! My love for Chris has changed, our goals, dreams, & wishes have changed over the years. The way we communicate has changed. It is fun to go down memory lane every now and then to remember what life was like pre kiddos, and when we were naive and dumb about certain things. But, we both talk about our journey, we understand that we change and we talk about the changes! So, yup, communication is number 1!
Congratulations to 10 years! I can’t wait to hear about your new addition to your Dom collection!
Matt and I have been together 18 years, 17 of those years officially married. First and only marriage for both of us.
Giving each other our own space, allowing each of us the freedom to have our lives outside of our marriage, separate bedrooms, separate friends, separate interests, as well as common interests, common ground and communication are key. Keeping trust, that’s something we’ve always had. Cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, looping my arm through his when we are out, he’s a true gentleman. Have we had our arguments? You betcha. But we both meant it when we eagreed to love, honor, cherish and obey each other, this is forever. We are at a comfortable place n our marriage. Having separate sleeping arrangements necessary due to his 19 years of night shift, then later to. Accommodate my back and other maladies. It’s fun to visit him in his room, tho, if u get my drift.
but being friends, well, you have to be able to talk to one another once the aches and pains don’t make the sex worth it.
I’m glad you guys are at a happy spot in your marriage. I never gave up on you guys.
and yes, I’m still just a phone call away if ever needed. love you, Wendy-darling.